Tom and Susan walked into my bureau. No, this was not an prescribed sitting. Just a couple of friends and me seating to discuss their relationship. They had been debating on a steady foundation, like a few days out of weekly. A few of it had to do with his wrath, jealousy and preceding experiences. Some of it had to do with her sharp tongue and dominating personality.
After I listened for a while, I asked them how often they’d been fighting over the last few years. Their reply, “I think we’ve gone a record four weeks without fighting.”
What!!? I could see that they weren’t joking. I realized right there that if they didn’t do something radical, they would never save their marriage. So I asked them if they wanted to go on living in their relationship as it was right now. Both of them agreed that they hated it and wanted things to change.
After asking them a couple more questions, it became clear that they weren’t dealing primarily with problems in their marriage. Their relationship was only bringing out the weaknesses and problems in their own personalities and history of experiences. Neither one of them had ever spent time working through those problems, and as a result, they were bringing their personal flaws into their union and then attempting to build a healthy relationship on the weaknesses that were rampant in their own individual lives.
The more they talked, the more we all realized that they were attempting something unfeasible. It was like building a house on a foundation filled with cracks and imperfections. Without repairing the foundation, the building would end up crooked and out of square. The cabinets would by no means fit in the corners and the doors would never close properly. Before this couple could go forward in repairing their marriage relationship, they needed to take some time working on their individual personalities and issues.
The more they talked, the more we all realized that they were attempting something impossible. It was like building a house on a base filled with cracks and imperfections. Without repairing the foundation, the building would end up crooked and out of square. The cabinets would never fit in the corners and the doors would never close properly. Before this couple could go ahead in repairing their marriage relationship, they needed to take some time working on their individual personalities and issues.
Tom really loved his wife, and it suddenly dawned on him that he needed to find a mentor or counselor who would help him deal with his issues of anger and jealousy, so that those things would no longer impact his relationship with her. Susan recognized that she was going to have to discover a mentor or counselor to help her temper her sharp tongue and learn how to quit commanding Tom.
We began Tom on our substantial for men, and Susan on our substantial for women. While they departed my office they had great hope that they would be able to save their marriage.
That was yesterday. Both are actively trying out potent mentors who deliver good marriages; people who will be able to counsel and scout them in developing and changing in person so that their failings don’t carry on to pollute their love for each other. to your physique type.
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